Destruction//Reconstruction

Dear Readers:

I can only assume that if you are reading this and have been reading my posts you are more than slightly curious/interested about the things that are going on in my life. It's either that or you're to the point of boredom where reading about some girl's life is better than what is on Netflix - which is great. 

I open with this because this post is an update of mega proportions.
I have decided to be raw and honest with you. In today's terms I would say this post has a significant amount of "Real Talk" in it. SO enjoy all the words :)

When it comes to questions about faith, God, and Christianity in general I think one question that is asked by millions of people - believers and nonbelievers alike - is 

"Why does God allow bad things to happen to the people He loves?"

It doesn't make sense. 

Last year I wrote about the events that led up to my move to Lee's Summit to live with my parents. If you're new here and didn't read it you can here.
I had decided to leave Springfield because my depression was getting to a point where I was not safe and needed to come home to heal. 

A few weeks before I decided to leave, I became a victim of date rape. I was physically and emotionally broken into a million pieces. I turned to alcohol and marijuana as a way to cope which led me down a path of even more hurt. This all came to a head the night of February 4th when I decided (as stated in last year's post) that I would rather die than keep breathing.

are you still with me? don't go, it gets better.

I tell you all this so that you can better understand the most recent happening in my life. After this incident of rape, I started to have nightmares, flashbacks, and feelings of paranoia. When I started driving to Warrensburg for class I would think I'd see his car on the highway - coming to get me. While on campus I would see other guys who looked like they could be him - trying to find me and take me away. The nightmare is always the same. It's an instant replay of that night in January where my rights as a human, my right to the decision of what happens to my body, were so suddenly taken away.  January of 2014 marked a year since this happened and these PTSD symptoms started happening more frequently. I hadn't told anyone about them - I didn't want to bother anyone with my "sad little story." I still had so much guilt, shame, and brokenness to deal with myself, I didn't want to bring anyone else into the darkness.

Now you are up to speed for these past two months.

hey! this post is not meant to bring you down. read on to find out what happens - it's good, I promise.


If I could put a type of label on the months of March & April I would choose

Destruction//Reconstruction

Now, I am going to break this label down for you so you're not just reading it and thinking I'm weird for labeling these months something other than Spring.

March - Destruction

In March I spent my spring break in Indianapolis, spending time with Korey. I loved spending time with him, his family, friends, and of course their bulldog Eisley. Korey and I had some great afternoons spent together talking and relaxing. I also got to spend time with Mandi - we had a girl's day complete with brunch, manicures, and shopping.

The night before the plane was going to bring me back to Missouri, we went out to dinner with Korey's brother and his girlfriend. After we left the restaurant and got back to the apartment I had a severe flashback/paranoia episode. I thought that the person who had hurt me last January was coming to get me. I began fighting (literally) to get out of the apartment -I needed to leave so that he wouldn't hurt Korey or anyone else. My attempts to leave the apartment failed, thanks to Korey and others, and they decided to get me checked into a hospital so that I was in a safer place.

My parents arrived in the afternoon and we were able to speak with a social worker. I told her everything about the rape, the flashbacks, and the paranoia. I've been in therapy in the past for depression, but after the conversation with this social worker, we realized I needed to be seen for PTSD as well. The effects that this traumatic incident had on my mind and body were presenting themselves very clearly and it was time to take a step toward true healing. She got us the number for a partial hospitalization program (PHP) right here in Lee's Summit. We set up an appointment for the following day.

I started going to ReDiscover  9:30 - 3:30 every day. I would meet with my therapist, the psychiatrist, and the nurse every day. When I wasn't meeting with them, I would be in group therapy sessions. We did several different types of groups - coping skills, time management, use/abuse/dependence, creative therapy, and more. It was a time to build a foundation of knowledge of things we can do to get to a more stable place.
Sitting through group, participating in discussions, talking about feelings? Talk about hard work! I'd come home in the afternoons and crash on the couch - emotionally draining yourself all day is, well, draining! I met some great people, learned some incredible lessons, and have come out of the program being able to say "it was worth it."
Notice I didn't say it fixed me.
I didn't say that I'm a shiny, happy, unicorn-loving-butterfly-chasing person because of treatment.
I am saying that I am stronger than I thought I was.
I'm saying that I learned that I am not alone.
I also learned that not everyone is out to judge or hurt me.
I learned that being open with someone can lead to a relationship filled with trust.
I also learned that painting and other forms of art is an incredible way to express myself.

My time at PHP was a time of rebuilding, reevaluating, and refreshment. It was the hardest thing that I've had to do in my life so far. It really was. But it has also been one of the most rewarding things I've done in my life. Now, I could type a novel about all the things that happened while in treatment, but I won't do that to you - ask me to Starbucks and I'll tell you everything :)

Now some other huge changes were taking place while I was in treatment.

 I became a single woman.
The story of Korey & Hannah ended. Now, when the break up was happening I thought that the story of my life in general was ending but alas, I am still here - living :)
I will not go into too much detail about our conscious uncoupling - no one has time to pull out the tissues and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (although...that does sound good..). Yes, our story has ended, but oh my friends - new stories are great! For both of us - our stories have been written since the beginning of time and we were so lucky to have been characters in each other's. Korey Elkins will always be the best friend who turned into my love. He will always be one of the funniest guys I know (besides my dad, Bryan Prewitt, and Jimmy Fallon of course) and he will always be my "almost high school sweetheart." Our time together over the past 9 years has been the greatest. I miss him - but I know that The Lord has amazing plans for both of us!

I am no longer a two-day-a-week nanny.
While I was in treatment, Hazel & Houston's parents had to go ahead and make other childcare arrangements. This has been something else I have dearly missed. I had a great couple of months getting to watch and love on those kiddos. I still get to see them at church and that such a blessing.

I stopped driving to campus for classes. 
For about a week after my hospital stay in Indy, I was quite afraid of driving. My wonderful, wonderful mother made tons of phone calls to professors and UCM faculty to see if there was a way for me to finish my semester online. I had to take an incomplete and drop one class, but the others I am finishing online. The teachers and staff have been incredibly understanding and shown such support - it's incredible.

I decreased my workload at Gymboree.
Because I was going to PHP Monday - Friday I was unable to teach my little ones at Gymboree. My boss Karian is an incredible woman and graciously allowed me 2 weeks off to finish therapy. I now teach a Lvl 6 (28-36 months) class on Thursday nights. I have also been picking up shifts when someone needs a sub. It has really helped with my stress levels and has given me more time to myself for school work, puppy cuddles, and Grey's Anatomy.

we're almost to the good, happy parts! stick with me!

that was March. the darkest, hardest times of my life so far.

April - Reconstruction

these are the happy things I was talking about...

I was officially discharged from PHP on April 4th. It was an exciting day. I got to say encouraging words to people who were still in the program and say goodbye to the staff of therapists who had taught me so much. 

The week after treatment ended was honestly pretty tough. I was on my own in the "real world." 

Reality didn't knock on my door - it crashed through with a bass drum and cymbal strapped to its belly. With the help of my "supports" - my parents, Bradee, and others, I was able to power through that first week and get back to life. 

I have started going to a yoga studio here in Lee's Summit called The Zen Zone. I've pushed myself to practice harder and have learned even more about breathing techniques that help with my anxiety. 

I have continued with school online - next week is my last week! I have a week off and then summer semester begins. I'm taking three classes. I have mixed feelings about this...on one hand I know that I will be glad I did them now instead of later...on the other hand? I JUST WANT TO SLEEP AND LAY OUT ALL THE DAYS. But hey, life isn't fair - and I need to learn all the things so I can teach all the things :) 

I interviewed for a position at our church's preschool ministry, Mother's Day Out,  about two weeks ago. I got the call last night that I will be the lead teacher in a room full of 4 year olds. *insert squeals of delight*  I am beyond excited. I'm hyped up to teach in a place where the children are learning about the structure of a classroom. I'm also REALLY hyped about the kids learning about Jesus.  It will be a lot of hard work, but I know it will be rewarding work! 

Okay, for those of you who are still reading I admire you for reading all those words. I know that you didn't come here to read about my roller coaster of a life - you may have come here for a "Hey! I'm good! Here are some pictures of Monster!" post  and this was far from that. (Monster is still the cutest dog in the world though, thanks for asking.) This post, like a lot of others, was possibly done more for me than for my readers. I know I am not in any way obligated to tell any of you about what's been 

going on. I know that I did not have to tell you my "sad little story." 

What I do know is that these past 2 months have been an incredible showcase of how God can take a beaten down wreck of a person and heal them. When I was at my lowest, wanting to die, crying myself to sleep, abandoned by the ones I love, He was there. 

He was there when I first sat through group therapy. When the story of Korey & Hannah ended. He was there on the days when the thought of getting out of bed was the physically painful. He was there, and continues to be there, through it all. He has never left my side. He has shown me incredible mercy and grace. He has led me to a place of peace and healing. He has opened my eyes to the needs around me. He has opened my heart to knowing that I have never been alone. 

He has restored me. 

Experiences of the past have made me question why we live here on earth. Recent happenings around the world have just shown us that the world is a corrupt, dark, and messed up place. All of these things are happening and we sometimes feel like we are the only ones going through them. Please take me seriously when I say YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. When Jesus died on that cross He took on the entire world's sin - He felt every ounce of pain, grief, rejection, fear, and hate that everyone in the history of the world, present and future, had ever felt. His Father, God Himself, had to turn His head because it was too hard to watch Jesus go through that amount of distress. I tell you this because we need to be reminded that Jesus has gone through what you are going through. He has felt the guilt, pain, and loss that you may be walking through. He literally understands EVERYTHING that has happened to you. I've said it before, give him your hurts, your fears, your joys, and your happys. He wants them all. He wants you broken at his feet so that He can lift you up as a new creation. 

I love each of you so much.

Thank you for reading.

Until next time,

H

Hazel & Houston // "we go outside now?"

this past Friday it was in the upper 50's so I took the chance to get the kiddos outside. it was great! they rode their wheeled toys and Houston and I played soccer. we said hello to people walking their dogs, getting their mail, and driving by. they loved shouting "Hiiiiii!" it was pretty cute.

we had a "these are the rules." talk before going outside and they both listened so well! 

I think we are getting to a wonderful point of them getting used to me and definitely getting into a rhythm of our days together.

Hazel cuddles.

"play with me!"

"no more pictures, Miss Hannah!"

"I got you this leaf, sissy.."

xoxo,

H

Valentine's Day Weekend // all the love!

my boyfriend, Korey, arrived in Kansas City on Thursday the 13th. 

let me tell you - I was excited. 

finally here!

after eating dinner with mom and dad we finally got to just hang out together. 

when you live 500 miles away from each other the little moments like sitting next to each other on a couch become so exciting! 

on Friday we ate lunch at Freeb!rds Burritos - it's a lot like Chipotle, but better. (yeah, you read that right.)

fancy us!

then Friday night we got dressed up and went into the city for dinner.

I made reservations for us at Houston's back in January - I'm so glad I did because we waited maybe 10 minutes for our seat, when people calling in were being told there was a 4 hour wait time. Craziness!

our dinner was amazing. the place was pretty fancy so we enjoyed sitting, talking, and (fancy) people watching.

all the things!

he loves getting his picture taken

 on Saturday we stayed home and watched the movie Enough Said with my parents. it was so sweet! I would highly recommend it. 

we then headed to HyVee to shop for groceries - we made my parents dinner that night! Korey is an excellent cook - he is way too humble about it in my opinion. He taught me how to dice an onion (I hate knives, so it was scary) and I manned the green beans! I see lots of efforts like this in our future - I'm more of a "let's order pizza!" cook :)

green beans, pork chop, baked potato, and rolls!

After dinner our friends Bryan, Tammy, and Bradee came over for games! 

I loved it - it was literally my favorite people all together!

 

I made him a valentine :)

Sunday morning we went to church - I sang with my praise team! It was great. After worship we went down to my Sunday school class - we only had 2 kids but it was still good :)

we went our for lunch, came home and napped, and then had to go back to the airport. 

////

overall the weekend was incredible. we had time to ourselves, time with my parents and friends, and got to worship together. all these things I've learned are so important to do as a couple. 

we are learning how to love each other in so many ways while being apart.

we know when the other is having a tough day by our voices or text messages. 

 it makes me so thankful for technology. I know that sounds silly? but man, if we couldn't FaceTime or text? I don't know what I'd do! obviously we would survive - I know this. but I'm grateful that we don't have to. being apart has really been difficult! I won't mess around with ya. every day is met with a sigh of "man...how great would  be if after work I could go to Korey's and have him make me dinner?" not a day goes by without that thought, friend. we're learning and we're growing but we are ready for the day when we won't be 500 miles apart :)

xoxo,

H

Sundays are for Jesus and napping :)

Sunday's gift // joy

hello, friends.

I hope you have enjoyed your weekend! I have. Lots of resting, reading, and refreshing. (did you like that alliteration?)

on Friday I didn't have to watch the kids, so I made a run to Hobby Lobby.

If you had asked me a year ago to walk into a Hobby Lobby, I'd shake my head violently and say "nope. not for me." that place used to give me serious anxiety. so many smells, the tinkering piano Jesus music, and so much...STUFF. it all overwhelmed me to a point of serious discomfort. fast forward a year on Friday and you would have found me in the clay aisle muttering* to myself, "hmmm..I could make clay animals..."

*when I shop by myself, which happens quite a lot, I talk to myself. not like, a couple of "hmmms" or casual sighs. I'm talking like, full out conversations with myself. if you were around the corner and couldn't see me but could hear me? you'd think I was with someone. I weigh my options of a purchase out loud, I make jokes with myself and actually laugh out loud - I'm crazy, y'all.*

back to Hobby Lobby - I've found a peace with it. I've discovered why people like it, um they have everything? that's a good reason. I can go in there and just lose myself in projects that I could do or rooms that I could decorate. it definitely gets my creative juices flowing. and it's just a store. so funny how that works, eh? it's funny because this feeling of peace of being alone in an environment that used to be so overwhelming to me is just a small sign of how much growth that has taken place over the past year.

also something that is different than a year ago - I no longer dread going to church. a year ago when I was making not so good decisions, I would be filled with so much dread, guilt, and weariness that the thought of church made me sick to my stomach. I would go occasionally. I'd put on my mask of "I'm fine, just fine." and I'd sit, stand, sway back and forth as I sang, go through all the motions. I'd talk to people, nod my head, say things like, "oh man what a crazy semester, right?" I was a small talk pro. I was the only one who knew it was completely empty. (in retrospect, I doubt I was the only one who knew..people knew, I just ignored that.) I grew to hate that place because I was lying to everyone around me, and myself.

this morning I woke up at 7:25 and got ready for church. I looked forward to our worship team leading us, I looked forward to looking at the Word with our pastor, and I looked forward to seeing those 4 year olds. those hugs, smiles, and the sound of their voices lifting up praises to the Savior who loves each and every one of them so incredibly much that he died. child-like faith is the best. it's inspiring. and I have the opportunity to see it every week. I get to watch and listen as Miss Joyce tells them the Bible story. I get to hear them answer questions about Jesus. and best of all - I get to love on them. I LOVE that part.

that's a lot of words about some heavy stuff. I hope you're still with me. I hope that maybe this helps someone. maybe someone will understand. understand that you are never alone. I promise.

okay, okay. now some pictures of some cute kids. I won't share names but I hope their smiles make you smile :)

silliness

I love y'all. as always, thanks for reading :)

xoxo,

H

Hazel & Houston // lessons learned

Lessons I've Learned While Watching Two 3-Year-Olds

1. patience

this lesson is very important. one that needs to be learned by everyone - even if you don't work with children. some helpful hints: 

count to 10! 

take a deep breath! 

smile - even if you're fuming. 

count to 10 again.

take like, 5 more deep breaths.

2. telling a child "because I said so" is powerful.

growing up when an adult would say this to me it would make me angry. who gave them a right to be able to have such a say in matters?! but now that I'm considered a "grown up" that phrase has saved me from trying to justify why it's not like, the best idea to run around the house with no underwear on. 

3. how to make PB&J - very quickly

when Hazel and Houston decide they are hungry and ready for lunch they mean they are ready RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. so I've learned to ask them about 15 minutes til noon and then when they say "no" I go up to the kitchen and start preparing their food anyway. once they see the bread coming out and the peanut butter jar open, they are suddenly saying "my belly is empty!" but Miss Hannah is there to swoop in and fill those bellies! 

4. being silly is a much better way to get things done

so the other day I had to go into Houston's room and wake him up from a nap. I just hated doing it because I knew the little guy was so comfortable and warm but I didn't want him bouncing on the walls at 11:00 PM and then Chris and Annette hating me. I walked in quietly, sat on the edge of his bed and tapped his shoulder..."Houston, time to get up..." he responded when a grumble and pulling the blankets over his head. I took his sock monkey and started tickling him with it and talking with my best impression of Nasim Pedrad's character Arianna Huffington from SNL - if that means nothing to you then I just used a silly voice :) 

I said things like, "ooooh Mr. Houston, why are you so sleeeeeepy?" and "ooooh Mr. Houston it's time to get uuuuup!" Hazel crawled into his room and up to his bed and we tickled him awake and got him laughing. I tell this story because I have caught myself getting frustrated when them and using my more "stern, teacher" voice. Even though that "voice" gets things done - being silly and making them both laugh was so much rewarding. I pray for patience every day and I think I'll start praying for a silly spirit as well.

5. hugs, kisses, and nap time are thee greatest things. ever. 

Hazel is the sweetest girl in the world. her hugs make my heart swell with love. even better? one day I was on the couch, being silly when Houston was upset about no more Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (a travesty, really.) I had started to fake cry, making lots of whining noises and pretend "cry hiccups." Hazel crawled over the couch, lifted up my hand and kissed it. then I almost started to real cry because it was the sweetest gesture! Houston has been known to say things like, "this is really fun, Miss Hannah!" and "why you have to go home?" I love them so much! I mention nap time because well, as most baby sitters/mothers/fathers/grandparents/etc. know..once they are asleep you sigh a sigh of relief and tip toe away from their door doing a dance. or is that just me? when even Houston slept the other day? I had a 30 second dance party in the kitchen. (Grey's Anatomy fans will understand that one.) 

I have learned so much from these kiddos. They are so precious to me and The Lord and I'm so happy that I've been given this opportunity to watch them! 

living room picnic

xoxo 

H

update // life lately

alright, friends - I've done it again. I've left you waiting for almost an entire month for a new blog post. I know you've been sitting at your computer, refreshing my page, just waiting to see what I've been up to lately. I am so sorry that I have kept you anticipating the exciting stories and pictures I have to share, trust me, there are a lot of both :)

way back during the second weekend of January, my parents, Bradee, and I went to Stanford & Sons Comedy Club in Kansas City, KS. my dad won 4 tickets on the radio to see comedian Kira Soltanovich. she was hilarious. before the club opened its doors we went next door and played games at Dave & Buster's. Bradee and I got 100 pts! We turned them in for a rubber chicken slingshot thing. I'll just say our memories will last us longer than that toy. It was a great night!

on January 17th, Monster Joseph Morgan turned 1 year old.

he really is the greatest dog. as much as I wanted to do a party, bake him a cake, and really just go all out for his big day, I was just too exhausted from school and life! he did get lots of hugs (which no different than any other day) and a couple of treats! 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Bradee, her boyfriend Danish, and I went to see Frozen one weekend that didn't have to study. It was a blast. The movie was fantastic - funny, visually beautiful, and full of love :)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Korey is still the cutest boyfriend around. Eisley is also still one of the cutest puppies out there. She's getting so big!

My brother Josh and his wife Ashley are traveling to Liberia this Spring with their training school and are raising support in various ways. One way is selling these T-shirts. The message is simple "There is Hope." Hope for the lost, broken, and hurt. If you are at all interested in having one of these you can contact Josh or Ashley on the Ramah Training School Facebook page. To ship them it's just $21 to spread the message to those in need! To learn more about the training school they are leaders of you can go here.

mom and I went on a movie date to see August: Osage County last weekend. talk about incredible acting and fascinating drama. I really love spending time with that lady. she makes me laugh and teaches me so much. I've said a lot of things lately that remind me of something she would say and once I say them I think to myself, "oh my...I'm Carla Morgan." :)

the Prewitts came over last Sunday to watch the Super Bowl (or really the, Eh It was Okay Bowl) we ate Taco Soup mom had made and sweets that Tammy brought. it was fun! (Maybe not so much for Peyton..poor guy.)

If you need a book suggestion I have one for you. The first movie comes out in March and I'm very excited. I read the first one and before I finished on Monday night, I stopped at Target to pick up the second one - I couldn't wait to see what happens!

have to bundle up - it's cold!

We got an incredible amount of snow this week. I didn't have school on Tuesday, no work on Tuesday night or Wednesday, and my first class was cancelled this morning (Thursday)! Craziness. Monster loves the snow. He likes to bury his nose in and eat it.

alright friends - these were the extra fun things that have happened lately. i'll write about Houston & Hazel adventures and my school happenings next! stick around :)

I love you!

H

Houston & Hazel // new beginnings

at the end of November I got a phone call from Becky Blaine - our church's Director of Early Childhood Ministries. she told me about a family who needed someone to watch their kids during the week. This was a special, personalized request though because one of the kids has Prader-Willi Syndrome which is a rare genetic disorder in which seven genes (or some subset thereof) on chromosome 15 are deleted or unexpressed (chromosome 15q partial deletion) on the paternal chromosome. (thanks, Wikipedia.) another symptom is a chronic feeling of hunger that can lead to excessive overeating and obesity. Becky knew I'm going toward a degree in Special Education and thought I would probably jump at the chance for hands-on experience. She was right - I jumped.

I met the family - Annette, Chris, Hazel and Houston - and fell in love. The kids (3 year old twins) are delightfully sweet. Of course at first they were both pretty shy - Houston especially, but at the end of the night I got sweet, sweet hugs from both of them. Hugs that made me so excited to return to watch them.

We figured out a schedule - Annette is nurse and works two days of the week. She can pretty much pick her schedule so we decided Mondays and Fridays will work the best with my Gymboree schedule. I left their home after the meeting without saying yes or no - I had to call my boss and run this by her. After a night of praying, talking to my parents, Korey, and more praying..I called Karian with confidence and was met with encouragement and willingness to help out. I was ecstatic! We all really thought this was The Lord's blessing and something He's had in the works for awhile now.

This past Monday the 6th was my first day. Let me tell you - by the time 6:00 came around I was exhausted. I've babysat since I was in 8th grade. I've worked with kids pretty much every day for the past year (almost, anyway). But watching two kids, keeping them entertained, and keeping them from annoying each other for a solid 9-6pm shift? That was a challenge. A challenge I will gladly accept every week.

We played with play-doh, played hide-and-go-seek, watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, ate hot dogs for lunch, took a bath (I mentioned taking a bath as a joke and suddenly Houston was running down the hall naked, ready to jump in the tub), danced, listened to music, and rested.

play-doh

making art 

say cheese!

the day was good. the day was long. the day was sweet. 

one of my favorite moments was when I had put Hazel in her bed to nap (sweet and cute all in itself) and Houston and I rested on the couch together. He sighed at one point, smiled, and said "I'm sleepy but I am NOT closing my eyes." and then he did close his eyes, I moved a little bit, his eyes shot open and he said, "I didn't fall asleep!" 

I'm looking forward to seeing these kiddos every week. I'm excited to watch them grow and get into a routine with them. I'm so happy I've been given this chance to help a family, hang out with kids, and learn so much. 

keep your eyes open for more pictures and stories :)

xoxo,

H