Destruction//Reconstruction

Dear Readers:

I can only assume that if you are reading this and have been reading my posts you are more than slightly curious/interested about the things that are going on in my life. It's either that or you're to the point of boredom where reading about some girl's life is better than what is on Netflix - which is great. 

I open with this because this post is an update of mega proportions.
I have decided to be raw and honest with you. In today's terms I would say this post has a significant amount of "Real Talk" in it. SO enjoy all the words :)

When it comes to questions about faith, God, and Christianity in general I think one question that is asked by millions of people - believers and nonbelievers alike - is 

"Why does God allow bad things to happen to the people He loves?"

It doesn't make sense. 

Last year I wrote about the events that led up to my move to Lee's Summit to live with my parents. If you're new here and didn't read it you can here.
I had decided to leave Springfield because my depression was getting to a point where I was not safe and needed to come home to heal. 

A few weeks before I decided to leave, I became a victim of date rape. I was physically and emotionally broken into a million pieces. I turned to alcohol and marijuana as a way to cope which led me down a path of even more hurt. This all came to a head the night of February 4th when I decided (as stated in last year's post) that I would rather die than keep breathing.

are you still with me? don't go, it gets better.

I tell you all this so that you can better understand the most recent happening in my life. After this incident of rape, I started to have nightmares, flashbacks, and feelings of paranoia. When I started driving to Warrensburg for class I would think I'd see his car on the highway - coming to get me. While on campus I would see other guys who looked like they could be him - trying to find me and take me away. The nightmare is always the same. It's an instant replay of that night in January where my rights as a human, my right to the decision of what happens to my body, were so suddenly taken away.  January of 2014 marked a year since this happened and these PTSD symptoms started happening more frequently. I hadn't told anyone about them - I didn't want to bother anyone with my "sad little story." I still had so much guilt, shame, and brokenness to deal with myself, I didn't want to bring anyone else into the darkness.

Now you are up to speed for these past two months.

hey! this post is not meant to bring you down. read on to find out what happens - it's good, I promise.


If I could put a type of label on the months of March & April I would choose

Destruction//Reconstruction

Now, I am going to break this label down for you so you're not just reading it and thinking I'm weird for labeling these months something other than Spring.

March - Destruction

In March I spent my spring break in Indianapolis, spending time with Korey. I loved spending time with him, his family, friends, and of course their bulldog Eisley. Korey and I had some great afternoons spent together talking and relaxing. I also got to spend time with Mandi - we had a girl's day complete with brunch, manicures, and shopping.

The night before the plane was going to bring me back to Missouri, we went out to dinner with Korey's brother and his girlfriend. After we left the restaurant and got back to the apartment I had a severe flashback/paranoia episode. I thought that the person who had hurt me last January was coming to get me. I began fighting (literally) to get out of the apartment -I needed to leave so that he wouldn't hurt Korey or anyone else. My attempts to leave the apartment failed, thanks to Korey and others, and they decided to get me checked into a hospital so that I was in a safer place.

My parents arrived in the afternoon and we were able to speak with a social worker. I told her everything about the rape, the flashbacks, and the paranoia. I've been in therapy in the past for depression, but after the conversation with this social worker, we realized I needed to be seen for PTSD as well. The effects that this traumatic incident had on my mind and body were presenting themselves very clearly and it was time to take a step toward true healing. She got us the number for a partial hospitalization program (PHP) right here in Lee's Summit. We set up an appointment for the following day.

I started going to ReDiscover  9:30 - 3:30 every day. I would meet with my therapist, the psychiatrist, and the nurse every day. When I wasn't meeting with them, I would be in group therapy sessions. We did several different types of groups - coping skills, time management, use/abuse/dependence, creative therapy, and more. It was a time to build a foundation of knowledge of things we can do to get to a more stable place.
Sitting through group, participating in discussions, talking about feelings? Talk about hard work! I'd come home in the afternoons and crash on the couch - emotionally draining yourself all day is, well, draining! I met some great people, learned some incredible lessons, and have come out of the program being able to say "it was worth it."
Notice I didn't say it fixed me.
I didn't say that I'm a shiny, happy, unicorn-loving-butterfly-chasing person because of treatment.
I am saying that I am stronger than I thought I was.
I'm saying that I learned that I am not alone.
I also learned that not everyone is out to judge or hurt me.
I learned that being open with someone can lead to a relationship filled with trust.
I also learned that painting and other forms of art is an incredible way to express myself.

My time at PHP was a time of rebuilding, reevaluating, and refreshment. It was the hardest thing that I've had to do in my life so far. It really was. But it has also been one of the most rewarding things I've done in my life. Now, I could type a novel about all the things that happened while in treatment, but I won't do that to you - ask me to Starbucks and I'll tell you everything :)

Now some other huge changes were taking place while I was in treatment.

 I became a single woman.
The story of Korey & Hannah ended. Now, when the break up was happening I thought that the story of my life in general was ending but alas, I am still here - living :)
I will not go into too much detail about our conscious uncoupling - no one has time to pull out the tissues and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (although...that does sound good..). Yes, our story has ended, but oh my friends - new stories are great! For both of us - our stories have been written since the beginning of time and we were so lucky to have been characters in each other's. Korey Elkins will always be the best friend who turned into my love. He will always be one of the funniest guys I know (besides my dad, Bryan Prewitt, and Jimmy Fallon of course) and he will always be my "almost high school sweetheart." Our time together over the past 9 years has been the greatest. I miss him - but I know that The Lord has amazing plans for both of us!

I am no longer a two-day-a-week nanny.
While I was in treatment, Hazel & Houston's parents had to go ahead and make other childcare arrangements. This has been something else I have dearly missed. I had a great couple of months getting to watch and love on those kiddos. I still get to see them at church and that such a blessing.

I stopped driving to campus for classes. 
For about a week after my hospital stay in Indy, I was quite afraid of driving. My wonderful, wonderful mother made tons of phone calls to professors and UCM faculty to see if there was a way for me to finish my semester online. I had to take an incomplete and drop one class, but the others I am finishing online. The teachers and staff have been incredibly understanding and shown such support - it's incredible.

I decreased my workload at Gymboree.
Because I was going to PHP Monday - Friday I was unable to teach my little ones at Gymboree. My boss Karian is an incredible woman and graciously allowed me 2 weeks off to finish therapy. I now teach a Lvl 6 (28-36 months) class on Thursday nights. I have also been picking up shifts when someone needs a sub. It has really helped with my stress levels and has given me more time to myself for school work, puppy cuddles, and Grey's Anatomy.

we're almost to the good, happy parts! stick with me!

that was March. the darkest, hardest times of my life so far.

April - Reconstruction

these are the happy things I was talking about...

I was officially discharged from PHP on April 4th. It was an exciting day. I got to say encouraging words to people who were still in the program and say goodbye to the staff of therapists who had taught me so much. 

The week after treatment ended was honestly pretty tough. I was on my own in the "real world." 

Reality didn't knock on my door - it crashed through with a bass drum and cymbal strapped to its belly. With the help of my "supports" - my parents, Bradee, and others, I was able to power through that first week and get back to life. 

I have started going to a yoga studio here in Lee's Summit called The Zen Zone. I've pushed myself to practice harder and have learned even more about breathing techniques that help with my anxiety. 

I have continued with school online - next week is my last week! I have a week off and then summer semester begins. I'm taking three classes. I have mixed feelings about this...on one hand I know that I will be glad I did them now instead of later...on the other hand? I JUST WANT TO SLEEP AND LAY OUT ALL THE DAYS. But hey, life isn't fair - and I need to learn all the things so I can teach all the things :) 

I interviewed for a position at our church's preschool ministry, Mother's Day Out,  about two weeks ago. I got the call last night that I will be the lead teacher in a room full of 4 year olds. *insert squeals of delight*  I am beyond excited. I'm hyped up to teach in a place where the children are learning about the structure of a classroom. I'm also REALLY hyped about the kids learning about Jesus.  It will be a lot of hard work, but I know it will be rewarding work! 

Okay, for those of you who are still reading I admire you for reading all those words. I know that you didn't come here to read about my roller coaster of a life - you may have come here for a "Hey! I'm good! Here are some pictures of Monster!" post  and this was far from that. (Monster is still the cutest dog in the world though, thanks for asking.) This post, like a lot of others, was possibly done more for me than for my readers. I know I am not in any way obligated to tell any of you about what's been 

going on. I know that I did not have to tell you my "sad little story." 

What I do know is that these past 2 months have been an incredible showcase of how God can take a beaten down wreck of a person and heal them. When I was at my lowest, wanting to die, crying myself to sleep, abandoned by the ones I love, He was there. 

He was there when I first sat through group therapy. When the story of Korey & Hannah ended. He was there on the days when the thought of getting out of bed was the physically painful. He was there, and continues to be there, through it all. He has never left my side. He has shown me incredible mercy and grace. He has led me to a place of peace and healing. He has opened my eyes to the needs around me. He has opened my heart to knowing that I have never been alone. 

He has restored me. 

Experiences of the past have made me question why we live here on earth. Recent happenings around the world have just shown us that the world is a corrupt, dark, and messed up place. All of these things are happening and we sometimes feel like we are the only ones going through them. Please take me seriously when I say YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. When Jesus died on that cross He took on the entire world's sin - He felt every ounce of pain, grief, rejection, fear, and hate that everyone in the history of the world, present and future, had ever felt. His Father, God Himself, had to turn His head because it was too hard to watch Jesus go through that amount of distress. I tell you this because we need to be reminded that Jesus has gone through what you are going through. He has felt the guilt, pain, and loss that you may be walking through. He literally understands EVERYTHING that has happened to you. I've said it before, give him your hurts, your fears, your joys, and your happys. He wants them all. He wants you broken at his feet so that He can lift you up as a new creation. 

I love each of you so much.

Thank you for reading.

Until next time,

H

A Day of Rest and Reflection [and chicken nuggets]

Hello, you.

Today has been a pretty okay Wednesday. After a therapy session [I'll explain, don't worry] this morning, an hour in Barnes&Noble, and one 10 piece chicken McNugget later I am sitting on the couch listening to my Bon Iver Pandora station. I'm pretty content.

Now about that "therapy" thing I mentioned .5 seconds ago...

On February 5, 2013 I officially decided to leave my beloved home at Missouri State University in Springfield, MO to come home home to live with my parents in Lee's Summit, MO. This decision was one of the hardest and yet easiest decisions I have ever had to make. I had gotten to a point mentally and emotionally that I knew it was what I needed most, but it was also so incredibly hard because I was leaving behind a group of people that have found a place in my heart.

[I'm about to get real with you for a couple of minutes. Take a deep breath and keep reading. Or not, that's totes up to you.]

Near the end of October 2012, about a week after I turned 21, I took a step toward Getting Help by going in to the school's health clinic and being prescribed medication to help with my depression. I was seeing a therapist at the time, and she recommended trying something generic to get me to a more stable place.

Let me help you understand my depression. I've heard many times that people who suffer with depression are just "lazy and want to sleep all the time." or they "just can't deal with life so they decide to be sad over little things." Um, let me just tell you right here and now that those statements and the others like it are completely and fully false. They are lies. They are nothing even close to ways of describing those who suffer. My therapist in Springfield put it in a way to which I can really relate.

"Imagine if life is like telling someone who is standing on a dock to get up everyday and their only task is to swim from one dock to another dock across the lake. Most people can do this. They make everyday tasks like getting up, going to class/work/the store, etc. look like it's a piece of cake...they just swim to the other dock. Now, a person dealing with depression has this same task, but they also have on jeans, hiking boots, a big coat, and life jacket on. Can you imagine swimming with all of those layers? It makes the task of swimming to the other side [going to class/work/the store] look and seem terrifying and awful." 

Welcome to my world. 

There would be days during September - December of 2012 that I never left my bed. I would skip class, skip social outings, etc. I wasn't sleeping at night [another "symptom" of depression] so when I finally fell asleep at 6 am, I was dead asleep until at least 1:00 in the afternoon. If I did decide to get up after that, I had to take a nap probably 3 hours later. I was exhausted from swimming with all my layers on. This was the darkest time in my life/depression. The endless feeling of guilt for not getting up and facing the world kept me in bed longer. I had to make myself get up and just tried not to dread the next couple of hours, looking forward to crawling back into bed. This is what I would label a Bad Day. They were not always like this.

On Good Days I could get up, make my bed, and function like normal and be totally okay. I would come out of my sad little shell for a 12 hour period and suddenly have a new outlook on life and be excited about it. Sometimes I had several of these days in a row. That was always really nice. It made life so much easier when I didn't dread leaving my blankets behind. 

I began to use alcohol and other substances to escape my Bad Days. When I got drunk or high I didn't have to focus on how crappy I felt. I didn't have to face that I had some real issues going on. This only ended badly for me. It ended in waking up the next morning hungover or full of guilt for giving up control of what I was doing. This was not the life I wanted to be living. I know for certain it was not the life I was and am intended for. The Lord [oh yeah, I really love Jesus...I'll write about that soon.] has bigger plans for me and I was letting my decisions cloud that fact from my mind. 

I felt trapped, alone, and desperate for a way out. After some other not-so-pleasant experiences that I'd rather not share to the entire interweb happened, I made the decision to end my life. [Obviously this did not happen. Thank Jesus.] I could honestly find no other option that would provide me with rest and happiness. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to not worry about anything. To not dread anything any longer. To get rid of the guilt, shame, and emptiness that had made its home in my mind/body/spirit. 

*If you have ever had thoughts like this please please PLEASE tell someone about it. I don't care if it was a one night thing or something...someone needs to know. You need to let yourself be vulnerable for a short time and let someone in. Sharing is a step toward LIVING. You are loved. Never forget that. Find someone who will listen. Who will hold your hand as you cry. Who will hug you. That person will help in 1,000 more ways than you know. * 

I was talked out of this action by a friend and Jesus. I called home, told them to come get me and they did so. I dropped out of school, packed my room/life into a Uhaul, tearfully said goodbye to my loves, and left Springfield. 

It's been 2 weeks. I am not fixed, but I am on my way there. I am being taken care of, looked after, and hugged every day. I did not intend for this to bum your day. I do not, let me repeat this, do NOT want you to feel sorry for me. I DO want your thoughts and prayers, though. I want you to take a close look at your friends and check in with them regularly about how they are really feeling/doing. I did this to answer some questions that people may have. I also did this for me. Writing has proved to be a really great tool to get my thoughts of out my mind. Sometimes when they stay up there too long, they get all dark and twisty and no one needs that. Also! If you do have questions for me, ask. Don't feel weird about it and it won't be weird. I'm good at talking. ;)

Okay. I'm done. It's out there. From now on I plan to be witty and hilarious about my every day life. Get excited. Just know that if you read this, you are loved. and worthy of that love. 

Love,

H