Today has been a pretty okay Wednesday. After a therapy session [I'll explain, don't worry] this morning, an hour in Barnes&Noble, and one 10 piece chicken McNugget later I am sitting on the couch listening to my Bon Iver Pandora station. I'm pretty content.
Now about that "therapy" thing I mentioned .5 seconds ago...
On February 5, 2013 I officially decided to leave my beloved home at Missouri State University in Springfield, MO to come home home to live with my parents in Lee's Summit, MO. This decision was one of the hardest and yet easiest decisions I have ever had to make. I had gotten to a point mentally and emotionally that I knew it was what I needed most, but it was also so incredibly hard because I was leaving behind a group of people that have found a place in my heart.
[I'm about to get real with you for a couple of minutes. Take a deep breath and keep reading. Or not, that's totes up to you.]
Near the end of October 2012, about a week after I turned 21, I took a step toward Getting Help by going in to the school's health clinic and being prescribed medication to help with my depression. I was seeing a therapist at the time, and she recommended trying something generic to get me to a more stable place.
Let me help you understand my depression. I've heard many times that people who suffer with depression are just "lazy and want to sleep all the time." or they "just can't deal with life so they decide to be sad over little things." Um, let me just tell you right here and now that those statements and the others like it are completely and fully false. They are lies. They are nothing even close to ways of describing those who suffer. My therapist in Springfield put it in a way to which I can really relate.
"Imagine if life is like telling someone who is standing on a dock to get up everyday and their only task is to swim from one dock to another dock across the lake. Most people can do this. They make everyday tasks like getting up, going to class/work/the store, etc. look like it's a piece of cake...they just swim to the other dock. Now, a person dealing with depression has this same task, but they also have on jeans, hiking boots, a big coat, and life jacket on. Can you imagine swimming with all of those layers? It makes the task of swimming to the other side [going to class/work/the store] look and seem terrifying and awful."
Welcome to my world.
There would be days during September - December of 2012 that I never left my bed. I would skip class, skip social outings, etc. I wasn't sleeping at night [another "symptom" of depression] so when I finally fell asleep at 6 am, I was dead asleep until at least 1:00 in the afternoon. If I did decide to get up after that, I had to take a nap probably 3 hours later. I was exhausted from swimming with all my layers on. This was the darkest time in my life/depression. The endless feeling of guilt for not getting up and facing the world kept me in bed longer. I had to make myself get up and just tried not to dread the next couple of hours, looking forward to crawling back into bed. This is what I would label a Bad Day. They were not always like this.
On Good Days I could get up, make my bed, and function like normal and be totally okay. I would come out of my sad little shell for a 12 hour period and suddenly have a new outlook on life and be excited about it. Sometimes I had several of these days in a row. That was always really nice. It made life so much easier when I didn't dread leaving my blankets behind.
I began to use alcohol and other substances to escape my Bad Days. When I got drunk or high I didn't have to focus on how crappy I felt. I didn't have to face that I had some real issues going on. This only ended badly for me. It ended in waking up the next morning hungover or full of guilt for giving up control of what I was doing. This was not the life I wanted to be living. I know for certain it was not the life I was and am intended for. The Lord [oh yeah, I really love Jesus...I'll write about that soon.] has bigger plans for me and I was letting my decisions cloud that fact from my mind.
I felt trapped, alone, and desperate for a way out. After some other not-so-pleasant experiences that I'd rather not share to the entire interweb happened, I made the decision to end my life. [Obviously this did not happen. Thank Jesus.] I could honestly find no other option that would provide me with rest and happiness. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to not worry about anything. To not dread anything any longer. To get rid of the guilt, shame, and emptiness that had made its home in my mind/body/spirit.
*If you have ever had thoughts like this please please PLEASE tell someone about it. I don't care if it was a one night thing or something...someone needs to know. You need to let yourself be vulnerable for a short time and let someone in. Sharing is a step toward LIVING. You are loved. Never forget that. Find someone who will listen. Who will hold your hand as you cry. Who will hug you. That person will help in 1,000 more ways than you know. *
I was talked out of this action by a friend and Jesus. I called home, told them to come get me and they did so. I dropped out of school, packed my room/life into a Uhaul, tearfully said goodbye to my loves, and left Springfield.
It's been 2 weeks. I am not fixed, but I am on my way there. I am being taken care of, looked after, and hugged every day. I did not intend for this to bum your day. I do not, let me repeat this, do NOT want you to feel sorry for me. I DO want your thoughts and prayers, though. I want you to take a close look at your friends and check in with them regularly about how they are really feeling/doing. I did this to answer some questions that people may have. I also did this for me. Writing has proved to be a really great tool to get my thoughts of out my mind. Sometimes when they stay up there too long, they get all dark and twisty and no one needs that. Also! If you do have questions for me, ask. Don't feel weird about it and it won't be weird. I'm good at talking. ;)
Okay. I'm done. It's out there. From now on I plan to be witty and hilarious about my every day life. Get excited. Just know that if you read this, you are loved. and worthy of that love.
Love,
H
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