Once Upon a Time...

as our beloved friend Sebastian the crab from The Little Mermaid said oh so eloquently, 

"the human world...it's a mess."

a'int that the truth. 

our world..our nation..even our state is a wreck.

I was originally planning on writing about Robin Williams' death. I was going to selfishly remind you about my own journey through the dark tunnel that is depression. I was going to remind you of the things people who suffer from depression HATE to hear. I was going to give you the perfect and simple tools on how to be a good friend to someone who is Sad. (capital S because I hate overusing the word "depressed.") But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to keep shoving words about this awful thing down your throat like so many people on social media networks have done (myself included..) 

Instead? I'm going to tell you a funny story. you may not actually laugh out loud..but if you crack a tiny smirk? that's better than reading an article and walking away feeling like someone punched you in the stomach/soul. (that's how I've felt for the past few days.)

Okay so growing up my best friend Jessica and I did pretty much everything together. one summer we went on a trip to the great state of Iowa to see and spend time with her grandparents that live there. there are many parts of this trip that I will never forget - an INSANE amount of flower gardens, sleeping (kinda) in the back seat of their truck with my legs intertwined with Jessica's, giggling at night listening to grandparent snores that LITERALLY sounded like a chain saw, etc. 

the one event that I will NEVER forget happened the day her grandparents dropped us off at a small water park for the afternoon. we were so excited. FREEDOM! we made the rules, we decided what to do, and we got to flirt* with cute boys.

*stare awkwardly at boys until they caught us staring then giggling and looking away*

*also kind of follow them around at a safe distance but act like we weren't*

we felt so old, independent, and ALIVE.

the park had a wave pool - so fun! so we hung out in the wave pool when we weren't going down slides or following cute boys. if you paid extra, you got a wristband and you could use an inner tube in the wave pool. we did not have wristbands, but because we were on our own, making our own rules, we decided to REBEL and surreptitiously float on a tube with our wrists in the water so the lifeguards couldn't see that we in fact, did not have permission to use the tubes. 

living LIFE on the EDGE, people. 

as brilliant as our wrist-in-water plan was, it did not work. we got caught and yelled at which I absolutely hated. so we were now Those Girls. the Fugitives. 

we decided to stay in the pool and just swim around. at one point I decided to start being a mermaid - duh - and began diving in and out of the water picturing my wildly beautiful fin behind me. 

Ariel would have been SO jealous of my sweet mermaid moves. 

the next 2 minutes (probably not even that long) are going to be burned into my memory for the rest of life. 

I was under the water. swimmin' along, feeling the simulated waves push and pull me through the water. I had my eyes closed - I hated when they would get red from the chlorine - and I was just the happiest little mermaid. the need for air came upon me so I started to swim toward the surface. (as I'm sitting here typing these words I am literally giggling from the absurdity of what happened next.) I can tell I'm almost to the surface when I feel myself having to push against something. in my head I'm thinking, "oh I must be right in the middle of a fake wave and that's making it more difficult. I should just keep pushing because man, I need to breathe." so I go with my gut and keep. on. pushing.

when I get to the top of the water, open my eyes, and look around I am super confused. right in front of me are a pair of swim trunks/legs that are attached to the torso of a boy my age. behind his torso I see the yellow colored inner tube that Jess and I tried to float on earlier. then I see that the torso is connected to a head of one of the cute boys were flirted(ish) with earlier. then I see the look on his face that read, "what are you doing?" then I hear his words, 

"ummm.....I was here first."

I was in his inner tube. my head had popped up from the water INSIDE HIS INNER TUBE. he had just been laying in his tube, enjoying the push and pull of the fake waves, when suddenly this girl's head POPS UP FROM THE WATER INSIDE HIS TUBE. 

In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word "mortify" is defined as "subject to severe and vexing embarrassment." there could also be another definition added - 

"like the time Hannah Morgan's head popped up in cute boy's inner tube"

I don't really remember what I said to him. I probably stuttered an apology. I then quickly went back under water and desperately searched for Jessica and my dignity. 

I found Jessica.

///

I tell you this story because I still crack up just thinking about it. 

I tell you this because it truly is my most embarrassing moment, and sometimes it's good to be vulnerable and be open about the times you wanted to crawl into a hole and live there the rest of your life out of sheer humiliation. 

I also tell you this to hopefully lighten your day/afternoon/evening.

 I hope that you laughed or least smiled. 

I love making people laugh. I think besides showing people the love of Jesus, teaching, and being the best mom to Monster, making people laugh is one of the most important life goals I have. 

I love you. Please go have a fantastic day. if the headlines, articles, etc. get too heavy for you - take a break. put your phone down. log off Facebook. go outside. take a deep breath. think of 3 things you are thankful for, and then move forward. I'm definitely going to try it! 

xoxo,

H

escape the ordinary // summer vacation 2014

hello, friends :)

the night of May 7th, a Wednesday, we packed dad's car with luggage and snacks for a the ride to Branson, MO. We had a room at Still Waters Resort near Silver Dollar City and planned to stay until Saturday. Monster was dropped off at Camp Bow Wow (not my favorite thing) and we were on the road!

Wednesday night we settled in and got to watch Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - I love that guy.

Thursday morning we woke up to a rainy, rainy day. we decided to go to a show and hope that the rest of the days would be nice to be outside!

we saw Jonah at the Sound & Sound Theatre. let's talk about a great show. before the showtime of 3:00 we paid for the backstage tour! our tour guide, Jenny, was in the ensemble of the cast and was fantastic. She was peppy, bubbly, and fun all without being annoying! I was the youngest person in the tour group so I volunteered to show everyone what a "quick change" is with costuming. it was fun asking her questions about the theatre and the others in the group being like, "what are you even talking about?" it was nice to be in the theatre environment again!

The show included lives animals and incredibly built set pieces. part of the tour was through the animal holding areas - I made some intense eye contact with a llama. The actors in the show were so great. we had good seats so it was nice to be able to see the facial expressions and set pieces up close. if you are in the Branson area this summer I would HIGHLY recommend this show!

You can find out more about Jonah here - and also the Bible.

Sight & Sound Theatre 

VIP status

view from the stage

tour guide - Jenny!

Friday morning we decided to get up and go down to the lake to kayak. Still Waters provided kayaks and paddle boats for free. It was my first experience kayaking - I was a bit nervous! once dad helped me get in the thing though I'd like to think I did really well. I loved figuring out the rhythm of paddling - it was relaxing. we saw lots of turtles, snakes, and a fish skeleton in the water! I don't have any pictures to prove that this happened - I was afraid I'd tip the kayak! 

after our water adventure we got cleaned up, headed into town and ate at the Fish House on the Branson Landing. talk about some good food! (and sweet tea) we sat outside and had a great view of the water - we also saw lots of birds and fish! 

I have no words.

so cute

the place with the food

a goose

he looks like a Peter to me.

after lunch we did some serious shopping on the landing and then at the Tanger Outlet Mall. 

Saturday morning, our last day, we packed up and checked out of our room. then we played miniature golf! if you don't already know this about me - I LOVE MINI GOLF. my favorite place to go in Branson is Pirate's Cove. there's a ship, a cave thingy, and they play 50's music - which now sounds weird to me because it's Pirate themed...

argh! or whatever

my momma! 

lovebirds

Saturday also happened to be my parents' 28th wedding anniversary. talk about an example of steadfast love. I'm so fortunate to have grown up in such a loving home and am now getting the chance again to see how marriage works. I've learned so much from them! 

after golf we ate and then headed home. a good car nap later and we were back to our little reality. and back to our (exhausted) critter. 

I love him so!

xoxo,

H

The Giving of Thanks

Over the years, Thanksgiving has become my favorite holiday. As a kid I was very into Christmas - presents, duh. Now that I've "grown up", I've realized that I actually like my family, and love the chances we get to be together. I realize how hard it is to plan a time for everyone to be in one place at the same time - schedules and life are hectic. 

This Thanksgiving was such a blessing. 

Josh and Ashley drove up from Texas on Tuesday night, stayed in South Missouri that night, and got to Lee's Summit around 1:00 on Wednesday the 27th. The original plan was for them to drive up all day Wednesday - getting them there late Wednesday night, but we decided to surprise my mom with an earlier arrival. Wednesday was her birthday! 

Those two met me at work - I showed them around Gymboree - and we went to lunch. We had decided to make a video for her. We titled it "Now That You're Old Enough." Mom turned 50 this year and we did not want to make her feel like an old geezer because she is in no way, shape, or form old or a geezer. (that sounds like a type of bird anyway - mom is human.) So the theme of the video was things that she can do now that she's older - like take a long time walking places, use the motorized scooters at Target, and buy lots of knick knacks for no reason. You can watch the video here.

We had a blast filming all afternoon. Then we went to the house and surprised mom. That night we ate out at On the Border and had a great time catching up and embarrassing mom by having the waitresses sing to her. 

On Thursday my mom's side of the family and my dad's mom came to our house to eat food, watch football, and eat more food. Harper came and kept us all entertained as usual. We watched the National Dog Show, we colored pictures with my other cousins Karson and Ashley, and we listened as Harper sang us Silent Night and other Christmas carols. It was crazy to think that Christmas was already less than a month away! 

This year, as every year, I have soooooo much to be thankful for. 

To be blunt - I AM thankful to be alive. If things had gone my way, not the Lord's? I wouldn't be here.

I am thankful for such a supportive family. This past year has been a tough one on all of us. 

My parents have opened their arms, home, and lives up to me and I literally can not imagine living anywhere else during this season of my life. 

I am thankful for my friends - the ones who have stuck with me through this time of confusion and change. 

I am thankful for the Lord providing a way for the love of my life, Korey, to be placed back into my life. We have such an exciting time ahead of us and as I've said before, we can not WAIT to see what God has in store for us. 

I am thankful for a new church family that has also been incredible supportive and surprisingly easy to fall in love with. I feel like I have a purpose there and I have a new group of people who are praying for me and who are interested in my life - that is something refreshing and something I need so badly. 

To sum up, I am thankful for a Savior who is full of grace, forgiveness, wisdom, and love. He has showed me what it feels like to be truly accepted for who I am. He has placed people in my life that have showcased what it means to be a true friend. He has given me two incredible people to be my parents, my leaders, my rock. His mercy and love are never ending - thank you, Jesus for being everything that I will ever need. 

Here are some snapshots from this time with family :)

Monster's "I want turkey face." Mine, too.

I love these two!!

Harper :)

dad showed her the classic "airplane ride"

coloring!

ideal To-Do list :)

I hope your holiday was blessed! I love you!

Hannah

A Day of Rest and Reflection [and chicken nuggets]

Hello, you.

Today has been a pretty okay Wednesday. After a therapy session [I'll explain, don't worry] this morning, an hour in Barnes&Noble, and one 10 piece chicken McNugget later I am sitting on the couch listening to my Bon Iver Pandora station. I'm pretty content.

Now about that "therapy" thing I mentioned .5 seconds ago...

On February 5, 2013 I officially decided to leave my beloved home at Missouri State University in Springfield, MO to come home home to live with my parents in Lee's Summit, MO. This decision was one of the hardest and yet easiest decisions I have ever had to make. I had gotten to a point mentally and emotionally that I knew it was what I needed most, but it was also so incredibly hard because I was leaving behind a group of people that have found a place in my heart.

[I'm about to get real with you for a couple of minutes. Take a deep breath and keep reading. Or not, that's totes up to you.]

Near the end of October 2012, about a week after I turned 21, I took a step toward Getting Help by going in to the school's health clinic and being prescribed medication to help with my depression. I was seeing a therapist at the time, and she recommended trying something generic to get me to a more stable place.

Let me help you understand my depression. I've heard many times that people who suffer with depression are just "lazy and want to sleep all the time." or they "just can't deal with life so they decide to be sad over little things." Um, let me just tell you right here and now that those statements and the others like it are completely and fully false. They are lies. They are nothing even close to ways of describing those who suffer. My therapist in Springfield put it in a way to which I can really relate.

"Imagine if life is like telling someone who is standing on a dock to get up everyday and their only task is to swim from one dock to another dock across the lake. Most people can do this. They make everyday tasks like getting up, going to class/work/the store, etc. look like it's a piece of cake...they just swim to the other dock. Now, a person dealing with depression has this same task, but they also have on jeans, hiking boots, a big coat, and life jacket on. Can you imagine swimming with all of those layers? It makes the task of swimming to the other side [going to class/work/the store] look and seem terrifying and awful." 

Welcome to my world. 

There would be days during September - December of 2012 that I never left my bed. I would skip class, skip social outings, etc. I wasn't sleeping at night [another "symptom" of depression] so when I finally fell asleep at 6 am, I was dead asleep until at least 1:00 in the afternoon. If I did decide to get up after that, I had to take a nap probably 3 hours later. I was exhausted from swimming with all my layers on. This was the darkest time in my life/depression. The endless feeling of guilt for not getting up and facing the world kept me in bed longer. I had to make myself get up and just tried not to dread the next couple of hours, looking forward to crawling back into bed. This is what I would label a Bad Day. They were not always like this.

On Good Days I could get up, make my bed, and function like normal and be totally okay. I would come out of my sad little shell for a 12 hour period and suddenly have a new outlook on life and be excited about it. Sometimes I had several of these days in a row. That was always really nice. It made life so much easier when I didn't dread leaving my blankets behind. 

I began to use alcohol and other substances to escape my Bad Days. When I got drunk or high I didn't have to focus on how crappy I felt. I didn't have to face that I had some real issues going on. This only ended badly for me. It ended in waking up the next morning hungover or full of guilt for giving up control of what I was doing. This was not the life I wanted to be living. I know for certain it was not the life I was and am intended for. The Lord [oh yeah, I really love Jesus...I'll write about that soon.] has bigger plans for me and I was letting my decisions cloud that fact from my mind. 

I felt trapped, alone, and desperate for a way out. After some other not-so-pleasant experiences that I'd rather not share to the entire interweb happened, I made the decision to end my life. [Obviously this did not happen. Thank Jesus.] I could honestly find no other option that would provide me with rest and happiness. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to not worry about anything. To not dread anything any longer. To get rid of the guilt, shame, and emptiness that had made its home in my mind/body/spirit. 

*If you have ever had thoughts like this please please PLEASE tell someone about it. I don't care if it was a one night thing or something...someone needs to know. You need to let yourself be vulnerable for a short time and let someone in. Sharing is a step toward LIVING. You are loved. Never forget that. Find someone who will listen. Who will hold your hand as you cry. Who will hug you. That person will help in 1,000 more ways than you know. * 

I was talked out of this action by a friend and Jesus. I called home, told them to come get me and they did so. I dropped out of school, packed my room/life into a Uhaul, tearfully said goodbye to my loves, and left Springfield. 

It's been 2 weeks. I am not fixed, but I am on my way there. I am being taken care of, looked after, and hugged every day. I did not intend for this to bum your day. I do not, let me repeat this, do NOT want you to feel sorry for me. I DO want your thoughts and prayers, though. I want you to take a close look at your friends and check in with them regularly about how they are really feeling/doing. I did this to answer some questions that people may have. I also did this for me. Writing has proved to be a really great tool to get my thoughts of out my mind. Sometimes when they stay up there too long, they get all dark and twisty and no one needs that. Also! If you do have questions for me, ask. Don't feel weird about it and it won't be weird. I'm good at talking. ;)

Okay. I'm done. It's out there. From now on I plan to be witty and hilarious about my every day life. Get excited. Just know that if you read this, you are loved. and worthy of that love. 

Love,

H